my story

So everyone always wants to hear about my story, my testimony. Well here it goes: First off I am the oldest of 5 kids, not all from the same parents. My middle sister and my older brother are from the same set of parents, and my younger sister has a different dad but all four of us have the same mother. Then there is my youngest brother who is from my dad and (ex)step mom. To start I have to go back to childhood, I was the little girl who everyone felt sorry for but never seemed to try to help. People would see that I was hurting emotionally but would not respond. I was picked on not just at school but at home to. I feel like I was picked on at home because I felt like I had to be the "parent". I know my parents tried their best with what they knew how to do. But they were not always there for me. My parents never got married which is fine, but I had been verbally abused by pretty much all of my moms boyfriends/husbands. My first stepdad cursed me out when I was three because I wasn't "his" child. He forced me to watch Chucky when I was 5 or 6. My second step dad would take all of his stress from his work out on me and my sister and brother. Even little specks of dirt that we missed we got yelled at for. My sister even though I love her to death would even lash out at me with violent words because I was acting more like her mother than her sister. So everything that she claimed as "hers" she would be protective of because she didn't want to share. My step mom would constantly pick on me. She would say things like "you're stupid" "you sing like a dying cat" "Are you bulimic? (and when I would say no) Well you should be" "You're skinny because you don't eat" And all the things she would say would hurt me to the point that I hated myself and I would not want to eat because of my hurt. I would lash out by getting in trouble with other kids. Getting into fights, trying to skip school, being the "bad" child or having that mentality. I started smoking at age 10 (I stopped at age 16), tried drinking but didn't like the way it tasted, but I never really got into drugs. When I was about 14 I got into a car accident. I was in the back of the van with my siblings and my mom was driving home from visiting a friend. It was raining and she made a wrong turn, so she went to turn around. I was bending over to pick up a crayon that fell on the floor because I was coloring when the van flipped over as a reaction to hitting the curb. Luckily someone saw it happen and turned around to help. Immediately in that moment all I could think was: "I have to get everyone out and make sure they are okay." There was only a few injuries: my youngest sister bit through her tongue, minor scrapes and bruises on my other siblings and my mom, but for me it was different. I had internal bleeding in my stomach and was hospitalized for a week, which felt like eternity! But I have good moments from the hospital experience. My bladder has never been the same since that accident. One time when I was in the 9th grade and I was searching everywhere for someone who would love me the way I knew I was meant to be loved, I found a friend who was considered my best friend because we would share secrets and talk and hang out. Well she told me that cutting yourself was the "new hip thing". And as I was sitting in my room by myself listening to music to fill a "void" that was always there I decided to try it. So I took my step mom's razor into my room and sat there trying to talk myself into it. And I looked out my window and said to myself: "Well if I am meant to feel pain on the outside because of the pain I feel on the inside I might as well go for it." And so I did. It was quick but the pain was so terrible that I cried myself to sleep SCREAMING out to God that if someone in this world loved me then He would take this pain that I feel out and HEAL me and I will never cut myself again. Well the next day it just looked like a paper cut and I covered it up with a bracelet. I showed my friend the next day and she was like well then I guess you didn't do it right cause I don't think it's suppose to look like that. But I didn't do it again because it was too much for me to handle. So basically because of this, minor thing to some people but for me it was a sign, I went on a search to find something. Basically I tried Buddhism, Catholicism, Mormon, Christianity, and just plain trying to listen to music and cry myself to sleep. Because for all I knew at the time was that I was: Selfish, Stupid, Dumb, Ugly, Unwanted, A floor mat, Usable, Damaged, Unworthy, and so on. But then in the summer leading to the 11th grade my mom found this church which combined with C3. It felt like home. I went to the summer camp and I got saved. I didn't live with my mom at the time so I went to church like every other weekend if I was lucky enough to spend the weekend at her house instead of "movie dates". I decided to move to my mom's after that year. There was this feeling at my dad's house like I was in the way or that they just needed time/space for each other. Then I decided after graduating high school that I would do SOM. And there I thought I would grow and learn myself in God's eyes but whenever I would get a step closer I would get knocked down by saying (which were basically thoughts) from my so called pastors. After they got sent back to Australia because of something I have no right to talk about things got a little better for me. I married the man I always wanted to marry. (High School Sweethearts) Started SOM again and am actually growing more than I thought I would. It's only been 8 weeks. I believe because of all of these events and others that I chose not to disclose just yet I have learned that I went through downfalls my whole life to learn how to tell other WOMEN that NO MATTER WHAT YOU GO THROUGH THERE IS ALWAYS A BRIGHT SIDE TO LIFE!! People who meet me now say that I am a kind, generous, gentile, loving person who chases after God's own heart. I am still here to say that it does not matter if you have been bullied for a season or for what seems like forever because it will not stay that way forever. People really do love you, don't listen to the negative. Surround yourself with people who will speak positively into your world. Love and Hope is out there. Jesus is real. God does exist. People do care. Don't be afraid to speak out like I was, it is okay to seek help because that doesn't mean you are dumb.