Life

Okay, so I've been going through this thing we call life, as everyone does. I came at a crossroads. I can either seek help and fix a relationship or i can walk away. I chose option 3) do nothing and spend time on my own. While i chose that option it was decided for me that i should and had to move on. It has been difficult to say the least. But i will not choose to let it keep me down!

I've been knocked back a few times, and i got up so why should this be any different, right? I continued on my way in the manner of which i thought to work, quit my job (got depressed, like deeply depressed), had a two week vacation at my moms (still living there now, got plans to move out by summer), and was watching tv thinking to myself i need to do something with my life. So i did. I got a job with great coworkers but working for minimum wage, paying rent now, hanging out at my moms still. Still not completely happy but making it work.

Then my friend invites me to an open meeting for an opportunity to become something for yourself, an IBO (Independent Business Owner), & I accept. So i go and listen. The vibe is great, the people are friendly, there is excitement in the room, and then I'm there sitting, watching, listening. I understand the meeting and how it works, because I've been to a few similar but not exactly it. So i went to the next week, and i understand more and see something, i see potential, i see a future, i see what I'm looking for. So i sign up to become an IBO.

Let me tell you something, I've never been more excited for something more in a long time! Like two years. So i go again, to the meeting and listen. Each time a different person explains and shows how it works. And it clicks more. I'm going to help people and get paid?!? Did he just say that? Yes, yes he did. I'm so glad to be a part of this movement! I've seen a future, I've made dreams, I've got plans, and I've got an incredible FAMILY of people to help support me!! Can you say jackpot? YES. So, I'm going to press forward as much as i can and if i need help i know I've got a team of people who are there to do exactly that! WORK.

Life

I've noticed that everyone has their own struggles going on. Most of them are about whether they are worthy or not of the love and grace that Jesus can offer. But if there is one thing i can offer people is advice.

Jesus is very real.
I know its crazy but my dad is a living testament of that. I was told that my dad probably want going to be able to walk, talk, or even drive again. After he had his attack it was really scary. I honestly believe it was a miracle when we got the call from my uncle that day! And on top of that my dad was better after a few weeks! He was driving, walking, and talking! It was amazing so much so that it still brings tears to my eyes (in a good way)! :)

I know it may sound like i just made that story up, but its the HONEST TRUTH! There is NOTHING more powerful and potent then our God!!

Personally i believe that we spend more of our time watching, reading, thinking, and even talking about things that aren't going to bring us closer to our God. For example: i was sitting in Starbucks the other day and i overheard people talking about others that were in the same Starbucks. They were being gossipy about their friends and it rubbed me the wrong way. I didn't say anything to them but it got me thinking; why do we (as children of God) not meet up in places with people (outside of homes and churches) to help the community or have a real talk about Jesus and what we read in the Bible or how we are handling things. Whether its a one on one meeting or with multiple people. I believe that its necessary to talk about the walk that we are traveling because it is a hard walk. But i just hear about new music we listen to, tv shows we are obsessing over, what clothing we should buy, what concerts we are seeing, what electronics are the best, etc. I'm not saying its a bad thing but i feel that if we continue to go down this path that people are taking it won't lead to Jesus especially if He only gets brought up once a week in churches.

But my thought is even though we have to be in the world (in order to save others), why are we letting the world control us when we should be the saviors? We should be the ones with the answers instead of the ones who are like the Hebrews that Paul was taking to in Hebrews. We should be excited to talk about revelations that we receive and show people that even though life is a struggle Jesus is the answer.

John 10:30 says that no one can steal you away from Jesus. But we live like no one can save us not even Jesus. If we believe, TRULY BELIEVE that the Bible is real then we should live fearless lives instead of fearful ones. See fearless is when you have confidence in your beliefs and yourself, fearful is when you run away from everyone and everything.

I believe we can all live fearless lives but we just have to believe, truly believe that what we hear on Sundays in church is true. And we know it is because once we experience Jesus, its like nothing we have ever experienced before!!

my story

So everyone always wants to hear about my story, my testimony. Well here it goes: First off I am the oldest of 5 kids, not all from the same parents. My middle sister and my older brother are from the same set of parents, and my younger sister has a different dad but all four of us have the same mother. Then there is my youngest brother who is from my dad and (ex)step mom. To start I have to go back to childhood, I was the little girl who everyone felt sorry for but never seemed to try to help. People would see that I was hurting emotionally but would not respond. I was picked on not just at school but at home to. I feel like I was picked on at home because I felt like I had to be the "parent". I know my parents tried their best with what they knew how to do. But they were not always there for me. My parents never got married which is fine, but I had been verbally abused by pretty much all of my moms boyfriends/husbands. My first stepdad cursed me out when I was three because I wasn't "his" child. He forced me to watch Chucky when I was 5 or 6. My second step dad would take all of his stress from his work out on me and my sister and brother. Even little specks of dirt that we missed we got yelled at for. My sister even though I love her to death would even lash out at me with violent words because I was acting more like her mother than her sister. So everything that she claimed as "hers" she would be protective of because she didn't want to share. My step mom would constantly pick on me. She would say things like "you're stupid" "you sing like a dying cat" "Are you bulimic? (and when I would say no) Well you should be" "You're skinny because you don't eat" And all the things she would say would hurt me to the point that I hated myself and I would not want to eat because of my hurt. I would lash out by getting in trouble with other kids. Getting into fights, trying to skip school, being the "bad" child or having that mentality. I started smoking at age 10 (I stopped at age 16), tried drinking but didn't like the way it tasted, but I never really got into drugs. When I was about 14 I got into a car accident. I was in the back of the van with my siblings and my mom was driving home from visiting a friend. It was raining and she made a wrong turn, so she went to turn around. I was bending over to pick up a crayon that fell on the floor because I was coloring when the van flipped over as a reaction to hitting the curb. Luckily someone saw it happen and turned around to help. Immediately in that moment all I could think was: "I have to get everyone out and make sure they are okay." There was only a few injuries: my youngest sister bit through her tongue, minor scrapes and bruises on my other siblings and my mom, but for me it was different. I had internal bleeding in my stomach and was hospitalized for a week, which felt like eternity! But I have good moments from the hospital experience. My bladder has never been the same since that accident. One time when I was in the 9th grade and I was searching everywhere for someone who would love me the way I knew I was meant to be loved, I found a friend who was considered my best friend because we would share secrets and talk and hang out. Well she told me that cutting yourself was the "new hip thing". And as I was sitting in my room by myself listening to music to fill a "void" that was always there I decided to try it. So I took my step mom's razor into my room and sat there trying to talk myself into it. And I looked out my window and said to myself: "Well if I am meant to feel pain on the outside because of the pain I feel on the inside I might as well go for it." And so I did. It was quick but the pain was so terrible that I cried myself to sleep SCREAMING out to God that if someone in this world loved me then He would take this pain that I feel out and HEAL me and I will never cut myself again. Well the next day it just looked like a paper cut and I covered it up with a bracelet. I showed my friend the next day and she was like well then I guess you didn't do it right cause I don't think it's suppose to look like that. But I didn't do it again because it was too much for me to handle. So basically because of this, minor thing to some people but for me it was a sign, I went on a search to find something. Basically I tried Buddhism, Catholicism, Mormon, Christianity, and just plain trying to listen to music and cry myself to sleep. Because for all I knew at the time was that I was: Selfish, Stupid, Dumb, Ugly, Unwanted, A floor mat, Usable, Damaged, Unworthy, and so on. But then in the summer leading to the 11th grade my mom found this church which combined with C3. It felt like home. I went to the summer camp and I got saved. I didn't live with my mom at the time so I went to church like every other weekend if I was lucky enough to spend the weekend at her house instead of "movie dates". I decided to move to my mom's after that year. There was this feeling at my dad's house like I was in the way or that they just needed time/space for each other. Then I decided after graduating high school that I would do SOM. And there I thought I would grow and learn myself in God's eyes but whenever I would get a step closer I would get knocked down by saying (which were basically thoughts) from my so called pastors. After they got sent back to Australia because of something I have no right to talk about things got a little better for me. I married the man I always wanted to marry. (High School Sweethearts) Started SOM again and am actually growing more than I thought I would. It's only been 8 weeks. I believe because of all of these events and others that I chose not to disclose just yet I have learned that I went through downfalls my whole life to learn how to tell other WOMEN that NO MATTER WHAT YOU GO THROUGH THERE IS ALWAYS A BRIGHT SIDE TO LIFE!! People who meet me now say that I am a kind, generous, gentile, loving person who chases after God's own heart. I am still here to say that it does not matter if you have been bullied for a season or for what seems like forever because it will not stay that way forever. People really do love you, don't listen to the negative. Surround yourself with people who will speak positively into your world. Love and Hope is out there. Jesus is real. God does exist. People do care. Don't be afraid to speak out like I was, it is okay to seek help because that doesn't mean you are dumb.

So, I may not be the best at speaking my feelings out loud. BUT I do know that I can always type them out. My dad is currently in a rehab facility to help heal his left side of the brain and body functions (speech, walking, etc.) I believe strongly that he is being healed miraculously. I believe he is a strong person, and he will be like he use to and back to work in no time! The reason he is there right now is because he has been through a stroke that affected the left side of his brain. He had the stroke on my birthday (July 7). I immediately went to see him with my husband, Paul, and we were in the hospital for three hours. Those were the LONGEST three hours of my life! At one point I thought that I had lost him. Everything had stopped, his breathing, his movement, everything on the monitor was blank. My first thought was: This is not happening! I cannot loose my dad! Not even on my birthday! My second thought was: God PLEASE bring him back to me! It is NOT his time to go! Paul and I kept saying his name and come on wake up! Come back to us Chuck/Dad! The next minute was awful, the nurse left and when she came back it was like he woke up from a nap. I was sooo grateful! We left the hospital about an hour after that and finding out that there was no medication or alcohol in his system. Which I already knew was a fact. We went to Jackson and my birthday party with a pinata filled with candy and various party items. About midway through that I just got sad, and with help from my friends and family I slowly felt a little better. The next day, I went to church as usual. I worked in the baby room, hung with friends over lunch, talked with some family members over the phone, and went home with a little worry over my dad. The next few days came by, Monday: my grandma came into Georgia and took over helping my dad. (Thank you from the bottom of my heart! <3) I went into work as usual and about my business. Tuesday: I went into work and said a prayer with a few coworkers. Since then I can honestly say I am no longer worried! My dad is now in God's hands and I completely believe that he WILL be HEALED FULLY! There is not a doubt in my mind about it. I have a few thanks to owe and will continue to say thanks because that's all I can do! Everyone who said they are praying for my dad! Thank you for every prayer, it truly means a lot to me! Laura Jane Flowerree: Thank you for helping me move past my break down! I couldn't have done it with out you! Justin Hodges: Thank you for the texts! I sincerely appreciate that! I almost cried reading it. Forrest and Lexanne: My coworkers, I am really grateful to have you in my life! You two are truly amazing people! That prayer was amazing. Stephanie Benson: You are an amazing woman! Thank you for helping me in my time of need! You are a strong pillar in my life and the bestest friend I could ever ask for. :) Jessica and Rock: You two are amazing!! Thank you for the texts! <3 Thank you all again!! I truly will never be the same again and that's because JESUS is not only with me and strengthening me but he is IN me and will always be there!

2012!

It's that time that comes every year on the same day! I forgot that it was gonna be a new year soon on Friday a customer asked me; "You got any big plans Saturday?" I was like why is e asking me about a Saturday night? Its not like its special or anything. Then he was like "Its New Years Eve. We can't stop it from coming even if we tried."

That's when it hit me, this past year has hone by SO freaking fast!

Sitting in church today, Ps. Jeff Kane was talking about our miracles from last year and how we should hold onto them because they will help us get through the tough times that will happen this year.

To name a few of mine: 1) Getting married 2) My brother going after his dream of being a marine 3) My sister getting out of a bad relationship 4) Spending time with my wonderful family! 5) Having great friendships that last through distance!

The list can go on forever!

This year is gonna be the BEST time of my life!! I plan on having my honeymoon, being involved with church to the fullest, getting a CAR, and hopefully make it to Vegas and PCB for conferences.

Its time to mend friendships if necessary, build on trust with the spouse, DIVE into God, and laugh, love, cry, and ENJOY life every second along the way!!


BRING IT ON 2012!!

Perspective

Last night I had the weirdest dream about car crashes. I even woke up to myself yelling at Paul, I guess I thought he was driving in my dream and I feel horrible about it! I think it has something to do with how I feel. I think I'm feeling torn between two places in life right now.

On one path its perfect and on the other its like a bit depressing. The first path is walking straight into light towards and with God, the other one is remembering things from my past. I know most of my past is kinda depressing but on the upside I am stronger and beginning to get bolder because of it.

The only thing that I feel confused about is staying true to myself, because I feel like there is a war going on around me and I am in the middle waiting to figure out where I belong.

I am starting to figure out who I am instead of being told who I am.

I want to be someone that youth wants to hang around and someone who helps them when they feel like they have nothing left to give. Everyone has something to say and give and what I hate the most is people who hurt others and I have seen way too much of it. I've even been through it myself. People don't realize what they are doing until its been done. Words are so powerful and I want to make a difference. I want to be encouraging instead of a discouraging. I think I do a really good job at it already but there is always room for improvement.

I feel like there isn't much love in the world, and yes I do know that sounds cheesy. I just want people to know where my heart is. My heart is always going to be the same because its always been this way. My heart is emotionally attached to people. If I call you a friend I mean it and it will never change. I will always be there for you and I will not change any more because honestly I am tired of worrying about what people think about me. If I change its gonna be because I want to change.

I will never give up what I am meant to do. I will always be here for the youth and nothing is gonna change.

Challenge

So recently I have been challenged to let go of what other people thought about me. I must say that at first this is not something I thought would be holding me back. But the more I thought about it the more it became clear that I was looking for something that wasn't helpful for me with people that had nothing in common with me.

I started feeling like if I tried more it would become easier for us to click but nothing happened. So I realized that it doesn't matter how hard you try to get through to someone, if they don't want to let you in then you can't change that. All you can do is be a supporter on the side lines.

but don't keep that as judgement over them because it won't help you grow it will just hold you back.
Be careful of what you think about others because you never know what they are going through.
Just be thoughtful of your actions because you don't want to defend anyone and you don't want anyone to have a grudge against you.